Don't Try This At Home, Kids
by comehitherjustice
Summary: A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.
1. Matt's Sandwich

**A/N: **Don't ask about the title, it was just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, really, and will most likely be irrelevant to any of the short stories. Anyway, I've had the idea of creating my own crack-fic in my head for the past few days, even though I've been working on my other Death Note project. My alibi? Temptation was too hard to resist. I originally put in the summary that this was a compilation of _drabbles, _however, after I finished typing this chapter, I realised that it was way too lengthy, and so I decided to go with "short stories".

**Summary:** A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story One:** Matt's Sandwich

* * *

Mello lounged across the black leather couch, content with eating one of his better chocolate bars and relaxing.

_BANG._

Mello jumped slightly at the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut, and glared in the direction of the bathroom.

"What the hell, Matt? Why can't you be normal and just close the door instead of slamming it and being irritating?" Mello bit into his chocolate bar viciously and swallowed. Stupid Matt and his bloody slamming door technique were getting on his nerves.

The sound of water in the shower started softly before getting louder.

"What? Could you repeat that, Mello?"

Mello growled and considered stomping over to the bathroom and banging on the door and shouting at Matt, but in all honesty, he couldn't muster up any will to get up. He was in a comfortable position, not to mention the chocolate tasted so freaking heavenly. So what did he do? He laid there and began to plot the downfall of Matt.

The first thing he thought of, which anybody else would have because it was so obvious, was taking away his gaming devices. God that guy had a shitload of games in his room. It was a wonder how he never heard Matt tripping over all the wires and pieces of technology scattered around on the floor. But no, that wouldn't do. Mello had tried (and failed) that one many times, and each time he learnt the same lesson: Never steal Matt's technology and hide it from him because it's futile. It was as if Matt and his technology were connected by an invisible chain and they gravitated towards each other. Mello found it somewhat amusing actually. Was that what one would call 'magnetic attraction'?

Well since that wouldn't work, what else was there? Mello pondered over this deeply. There _was _another thing he had in mind, but it looked risky. He remembered clearly a few years ago, that Matt had firmly told him to _never_ give him any chocolate or bad things would happen. And now that he thought about it, Matt avoided chocolate like a plague. It was mystifying, but was Mello willing to take the risk of ignoring Matt's order to get back at him and his slamming door technique? Yes, oh yes he was. Maybe he would get a laugh out of it, who knows. There's only one way to find out…

* * *

Matt stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, all the while thinking about how much fun it was grating at Mello's nerves. He had known Mello ever since they met at Wammy's House and here they were, years later, still friends. There was also one thing about Mello that entertained him, and that was how he could get riled up so easily if provoked. Yep, the last few years had been fun all right.

He grinned as he finished dressing himself in his outfit consisting of stripes and goggles and opened the bathroom door then slammed it shut. He waited for the inevitable yelling from Mello, and there it was.

Matt smiled wider and hummed a random tune as he entered the living room where he saw Mello sprawled across the couch in a lazy manner.

"'Sup Mello?"

Mello replied with a grunt of annoyance. He was acting indifferent on the outside (which was part of his plan, because if he didn't act normal then Matt would be suspicious of him which could potentially ruin his plan), but on the inside he was jumping up and down with anticipation. You see, while Matt was in the shower, Mello had put his plan into motion. He placed a single piece of chocolate he snapped off his bar into the very middle between fillings of Matt's sandwich in the fridge. It was extremely easy to execute, but he knew it would work. He knew because he was second only to Near, damn it!

Matt opened the fridge door and peered at the contents. Hm, where did he put his sandwich again? Oh yeah, top shelf. He reached a hand in to rummage through all the food before finally pulling out his healthy handmade sandwich on a small plate. Matt sniffed at it, and for some reason it didn't smell like it usually did. He frowned; he wanted to figure this out fast because he was currently feeling like a ravenous beast.

"Ha! Of course!" Matt snapped his fingers. "I can't believe I forgot to add the final touches. You can't eat a beauty like this without the final touches!"

He opened the fridge door again and pulled out a couple of containers.

Matt nodded determinedly. "It's time for serious business."

* * *

Mello waited patiently to see what would happen to Matt once he ate his sandwich. God, the wait was agonising. It had been a few minutes since Matt entered the kitchen, and Mello could hear movements so he knew Matt hadn't died.

He was getting impatient. What was taking Matt so long? What the hell was he doing? He was going to find out.

Mello reluctantly lifted himself off the couch, which he stared at forlornly. He never wanted to get off, but he had been pushed into doing so. Life wasn't fair. He then made his way to the kitchen, but stopped after he took a couple of steps. What _was _Matt doing? He had bottles and jars of marmalade, jam, tomato sauce, peanut butter, etc. littering a counter top.

"Err…Matt?"

Matt blinked, his concentration broken, and turned around to find Mello looking at him strangely.

"Yes? Look Mello, I'm kind of busy here. I gotta add all this stuff to my sandwich so I can eat it bursting with flavour!"

Mello was repulsed. "Uhh, yeah. I'll leave you to it," he quickly retreated back to the living room and lay down on the couch. _That smelled terrible, how can he stand to be so near it? No, how can he stand to _eat _that_?

There was a loud exclaim of excitement from the kitchen about "finally being done", and then silence.

Mello waited with bated breath. This was the moment he had been waiting for…

_Crash. _Seconds later, Matt stumbled into view, rubbing his temples.

"Mello, I feel kind of weird. I don't think I'll add too many final touches next time…I thi-" Matt hiccupped. "I think the world is _–hic–_ screwed up sometimes y _–hic– _you know? I_–_I just can't take it any _–hic– _more!"

Mello stared at Matt incredulously. He kept ranting on and on about world apocalypses and gypsies and other nonsense. He just wouldn't shut the hell up.

"M-Mello," Matt slowly advanced towards his friend who was still watching him with amazement, with a sad and pitying expression. "I-I'm breaking it off! Our _–hic–_ relationship is over! _–hic–_ I know you've been chea _–hic–_ ting on me with that_–_that Elmo guy!"

Mello sputtered. "W-what? You've finally cracked, I_–_"

Matt hiccupped twice and shook his head so much he stumbled to the side a bit.

"Sorry doesn't cut it, M-Mello! _–hic–_ I saw you at his place the other day…making _banana smoothies_ together! You said that _–hic–_ _we _would make our first banana smoothies together! _–hic–_ Explain _that!"_

Mello gaped, was this the true power of chocolates? He knew they were pretty damn powerful things, but to this extent…well shit.

"Matt, _you _were the one who was watching Sesame Street, and if I remember correctly, _you _were watching him make banana smoothies and said_–_"

"I caaaaan't hear youuu!"

"You can hear me perfe-"

"This is a betrayal of the Amazons!"

"…A betrayal of the what?"

"The bloody _Amazons!_ We go waaaaay back, sonny."

_Blink._ "D_–_did you just call me_–"_

Matt threw his arms up in the air and spun around. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee-" _thud._

Mello was speechless as he watched Matt fall flat on his face after he tripped over his own foot, and knocked himself out cold. The idiot. Well, what was done was done, and all he could do was hope that Matt (as well as himself) would forget about this whole incident when they woke up tomorrow morning.

But, he would make sure to remember to _never _give Matt chocolate. No matter what.


	2. That's What You Get

**A/N: **The idea for this particular short story occurred to me while I was in science, even though science and cake have no relevance whatsoever. Sorry for its choppiness, I kept having to put it off due to school work.

**Summary:** A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story Two:** That's What You Get

* * *

L stared at the cakes as if he were about to slide open the little door and reach inside to grab them and then attack them with his mouth. Light on the other hand wasn't enjoying himself as much as L obviously was. One of the reasons was because they were handcuffed, and they were in public. He had lost count of the amount of weird and disgusted looks he had received while they had walked side by side to the little cake stall they were currently inside.

God, it was a pain being dragged everywhere with little to no notice beforehand.

Before they had left the hotel, L had suggested that they go for a walk because he "hadn't left to go outside for a long while," and because "it's good to go out for some fresh air every now and then, especially when you're working on a case as heavy as the Kira case." L then proceeded to smile at him in an annoyingly childish manner with his thumb between his lips.

Meaning, they were _supposed _to only be on a short walk, but somehow, that had turned into a mission for cakes.

"Yagami-kun, what do you think about this one?" L pointed at a cake topped with strawberries and small whirls of cream.

Light glanced at the cake with disinterest. "Honestly, Ryuzaki? I don't really care. Can't you just buy a cake already? We've been looking for hours and my feet are tired."

L looked up from the cake at Light. He was disappointed that Light didn't seem to understand the patience one had to possess when it came to decision making, especially when it came to cakes. But…his hastiness gave him all the more reason to believe Light was indeed Kira.

L smiled impishly. "Patience, Yagami-kun. If you are patient, then we'll be at the hotel before you know it."

Light sighed in defeat and tugged at the handcuffs despondently. How did L manage to get his way so often? But anyway, it seemed as if he would just have to wait it out.

**

* * *

**

Another hour had passed, but they were still walking from cake stall to cake stall and Light's will to control his temper was wearing extremely thin.

"Ryuzaki, I'm telling you that it can't take _this _long to pick out something like a cake. Just hurry up and buy one!"

L looked over his shoulder at the younger man.

"I'm doing just that at this moment…you didn't need to yell."

Light was relieved as he watched L accept the plastic bag with the cake box from the cashier.

For god's sake, it had taken a lifetime just to buy a stupid cake. Never did he want to go for a walk with L again.

**

* * *

**

Light watched L with annoyance as the detective monitored Misa in her room for any suspicious behaviour. He thought it was absurd that L suspected them of being Kira and the second Kira – how could they be if they couldn't even remember killing others?

L glanced at the person next to him, who he had momentarily forgotten. His eyes travelled to square, white cake box a few metres from Light, then back to said person.

"Yagami-kun, I'm sorry to trouble you, but do you think you could cut me a slice of cake? You may also cut one for yourself if you would like."

Light frowned. "Why don't you do it yourself? Geez you're lazy."

"I'm keeping an eye on Misa Amane…and I'm craving some cake, so I would really appreciate it if you did the kind favour of cutting me a slice."

Somehow, L had the ability to look at numerous things around him simultaneously, so he noticed the exasperated and murderous expression Light had as he cut two slices of cake.

Light placed a slice on a plate which was stacked upon a pile of other plates along with a silver fork, and slid it towards L.

"Thank you."

Light rolled his eyes as he placed his own slice on a plate and stabbed a fork into his cake and brought the piece to his mouth.

L watched Light curiously as he chewed and swallowed and then plunged his fork into his cake again. His eyes narrowed as Light repeated the action over and over.

"Yagami-kun…if you don't stop roughing the cake, I will have to ask you to step away. You see, there are many rules when it comes to cake etiquette, such as holding your fork like this," L demonstrated by holding his fork in a delicate manner...even though that was how he held everything.

"You ought to learn them yourself, Yagami-kun. I believe you would benefit greatly because every cake you eat from then on will blow your socks off! So if you're interested, I could recite the rules to you and, therefore, change your life."

L stared at Light with big eyes that were wider than normal, expecting a speech of admiration, but Light only gave him a long weird look.

"...I'd rather not, Ryuzaki."

_Stab._

L frowned. "Yagami-kun, I'm warning you."

He placed his thumb between his lips and gazed at Light thoughtfully as he ignored him.

"You realise that because of your rough handling and impatience…the percentage of you being Kira has gone up by four percent. Also, it's rather fascinating that your expression reminds me of a killer – or rather a murderer like what I imagine Kira's to be like."

He then proceeded to happily stuff cake in his mouth as Light gaped at him incredulously.

L smirked inwardly. Well, what could he say? The cake didn't deserve Light's – no, Kira's bad treatment. It was Kira who kept violating the code of cake-eating, and L had to put a stop to it.

_And that's what you get, Yagami-kun._


	3. Expect the Unexpected

**A/N: **The day of searching for cake through L's perspective, plus, his thoughts about others. Except it's like a diary entry, so it's vague. This also contains a whole lot of silliness and bullying from L, a side which he mostly keeps secret from others; no offense intended towards the audience. Somewhat of a companion piece to _That's What You Get_.

**Summary:** A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story Three: **Expect the Unexpected

* * *

**13 July 2004 **

**/ 6:58 A.M.  
**

Hello, this is L Lawliet again. It's been a while.

I haven't typed anything in this computer diary folder for years. Looking at the latest entry, I'm surprised that the years have passed so quickly. Actually, that's a lie. The years have passed dreadfully slow and I wish they went by faster. Anyway, where was I?

A few months ago, I had taken on the Kira case which consists of mass murder to the extreme. And now…I still haven't solved the case even with the help of the Japanese police and other bureaus around the globe. So perhaps this is the hardest puzzle I've ever come across, even harder than Beyond's case.

Should I die, which is highly likely if I am not very careful, I can count on my successor to solve the case, though I know it is a heavy burden. Notice that I said "successor" rather than successors; this is because I plan to appoint either Near or Mello as my successor. I have, however, already made up my mind, but I won't speak of who I have chosen due to the possibility of Matt or another individual hacking into my computer and reading this. Unlikely, but still.

There are, however, two prime suspects of the Kira case. One of them is Light Yagami, a college student and only son of Soichiro Yagami, the NPA chief. The other is a dim-witted model/ singer/ actress by the name of Misa Amane. I'm certain that they are truly Kira and the second Kira, but it is surprisingly difficult to dig up evidence to support my theories.

The interesting thing is that Yagami-kun and I are handcuffed. I know it's a strange thing to comment about one's own actions, but it'll give me a chance to observe his behaviour closely. For example, right now I am typing while looking at him. I think he's asleep…and I'm surprised he's not snoring. That's quite unusual. Well, it doesn't matter; that's just another thing I can add on the list of reasons why he is Kira.

Ah, that reminds me!

Yesterday, Yagami-kun and I went for a stroll. At least, that was the initial idea, but cakes were too good of a thought to resist!

I remember that I was craving some mud cake, but there were none in the display of the first cake stall we entered, so I asked the man at the register. He shrugged carelessly as if my question was not worthy enough of receiving an answer. And then he had the _nerve _to say they were sold out. I decided that the imbecile deserved to be punched. So naturally, I delivered and then wandered off to another cake stall (which, by the way, was a lot nicer).

It was quite a pleasant time for me, to search for delectable cakes in the midst of a heavy case. But that was until Yagami-kun started nagging and whining. I desperately wanted to tell him to shove himself off a cliff so he wouldn't be such a pest, but I saved that rebuke for another time and instead, politely told him to shut up.

After hours and a mountain of Yagami-kun's complaints, we were finally at the hotel. I deduced that he was still sore over the amount of time we spent searching for cakes, because he started acting irrationally and…_speared _the cake. I had never seen something so preposterous in my life, so I took it upon myself to explain to the idiot that cake was meant to be eaten meaningfully and that one should cherish the flavour and love that was poured into them by the kind souls who spent their time molding the piece of dough to perfection.

Unexpectedly, he didn't give me a word of praise of admiration but a look that was akin to disgust. Well I sure taught him a lesson. _L _was the superior, and _L _would always be the victor of whatever it was.

Hm…I have yet to give my thoughts about the Kira suspects, have I? I think I shall start.

Light Yagami is a seventeen – or is he eighteen? – year old who attends To-Oh University. He is a straight A student who has for some reason, an urge to kill thousands for the sake of a better world. Or that's just what I have concluded. I have also decided that his hair is a completely whole other universe. It reminds me of how the people of ancient China use to put bowls over their heads and cut their hair around the rim. Yes, I dislike Light Yagami's hair, therefore I dislike him. Hahaha, just kidding. Not.

Every time I look at Yagami-kun, I see a murderer with a brilliant mind…and then I see a side of him that screams "OCD!" And then I think of how OCD Yagami-kun could really be when he's by himself (Ha! He might think that if he reveals his OCD urges to others, he'll scare them all away!) He probably follows an eating and…possibly an excreting regime. I know it's disgusting me of to think of that, but don't you think it's at least a _tad _plausible? No? Alright, fine.

The second Kira suspect goes by Misa Amane who, as stated earlier, is a model/ singer/ actress. I suspect that she is the more powerful, if one could use that term, of the two Kiras, albeit she obviously lacks an abundant of brain cells.

I recall a time when I told her that I could fall for her. And she believed me, even though it was a blatant lie (in my opinion). Very often, she spends time scheming of (lovesick and futile) ways to seduce that silly beansprout of a childish murderer by the name of Light Imagay, that her brain ceases to concentrate on anything else. It's no wonder she isn't any more intelligent than a farm turkey – which is pitiful.

I think I hear footsteps…which is my cue to exit this diary – please stop laughing – of mine. It's been enjoyable to type in here again after so long, but I must return to the case. "Duty calls," one could say.

I am very determined to catch and expose Kira and the second Kira, and then put them behind bars. Yagami-kun is very bright, so it would be a shame to lose him…Misa on the other hand…I swear she makes it her personal mission to make everyone around her dumber with her lack of intellect. So, good riddance to her!

Signing off,

L.


	4. Near's Miracle

**A/N: **Super late update, I know! Sorry. This one contains a lot of melodrama and swearing from Near, which is pretty amazing considering the most he actually does in the canon is throw around insults.

**Summary:** A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story Four:** Near's Miracle

* * *

Everyone was tired. They had pulled two all-nighters in a row in pursuit of any evidence and information they could dig up against the second L. And it was the second time during that week.

No, right now, the SPK headquarters wasn't exactly the nicest place to be at.

Near watched all the tapes that the prosecutor, Mikami Teru, a suspected acquaintance of Kira's, had made an appearance in. He came to the conclusion that Mikami Teru seemed as if he were trying to relate messages to Kira or an accomplice through what he said on television. The man sickened him, to have so readily accepted to be Kira's right hand man.

He reached for his favourite toy that lay near his feet, which reminded him of a strange incident that occurred earlier that day. He had left the room to go to the toilet, and when he returned, he noticed that his toys had disappeared from their usual positions on the floor. The toy box was the first place he checked, and all he had to do was tip it over and all his toys were back where they really belonged.

So anyway, he reached down for this action figure, but then…

_Crack._

Near looked down and was horrified to find his beloved toy split in half. His face lowered, a shadow casting over his face, and when he lifted his head up, there was a demonic gleam in his eye.

He opened his mouth and-

"What the fucking hell happened to my toy? I was bloody playing with it and suddenly it just snapped like a twig. Did any of you happen to mess with them? If you did, own up now and I promise I won't be mad at you, because at least you're being honest."

The SPK were stunned into silence. Did that really just happen? Oh lord, it was another historic event.

Gevanni gulped. "I-I t-thought that I would clean up your toys because they were always scattered around and maybe you would appreciate it because you seem to be a neat pe-"

"And did you by any chance, _throw _them inside the toy box? They were packed up awfully quickly…"

"Uh…I think I may ha-"

Near produced a low, throaty sound that resembled a growl.

"You _thought _that I wanted to keep my toys all bunched up together? So that I would have to _haul_ myself up to bloody unpack the toy box and waste precious energy that I need to preserve for catching Kira and his bloody henchmen? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Why the fu-"

He spurted so many threatening words and curses that it was nothing short of a miracle he got them out in one breath. And he didn't even look out of breath when he was finished.

Near took in the stock-still figures of the other members of the SPK and rolled his eyes. Did they seriously think that he _wouldn't _yell? It was his favourite toy for god's sake. Besides, all Wammy kids were liars. It really was just a shame they didn't know that.

"...However, I am willing to overlook this blunder of yours on the condition that you buy me a new set of toys. Do we have an agreement?" Near looked at Gevanni from the corner of his eye as he pushed aside his broken action figure that had started all of the madness, and started playing with a remote control car.

Gevanni nodded so rapidly that his head blurred and made it a mystery how it hadn't fallen off.

The rest of the SPK looked on with amazement and sympathy.

Poor Gevanni, they thought. Well, at least now that they'd witnessed the wrath of Near, they had more faith that he would win during the confrontation with the second L.

Oh yeah, and after that particular day, the SPK never viewed Near the same way again.


	5. Mischief in the Night Bar

**A/N: **Well damn, it's been months. But I'm determined to keep this alive, so please enjoy story five!

**Summary:** A compilation of short stories recounting the events of some Death Note characters and the utter nonsense and wild mischief they create during their spare time. Warning: Serious OOC-ness. Crack.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story Five:** Mischief in the Night Bar

* * *

"This is stupid," Mello hissed at Matt.

They were in a relatively well-known night bar that was currently operating full-swing. Men and women littered the stools in front of the long, winding bench, perspiring bodies brushed against each other on the small dance floor, and the music intruded their eardrums.

It was everything the blonde hated.

"Yeah? Well, you agreed. So shut up and let's get wasted."

Mello grumbled as he settled down on a spare stool, and ordered a shot of vodka. He glared at Matt as he enthusiastically requested a bottle of whisky. Maybe if he closed his eyes and concentrated, everything would go away and he would be in pea-

"…And a bottle of red wine, please. Oh! Also-" Matt tensed, feeling the heat of his friends glare and chuckled nervously. "Also, thank you. Aha…Cheers, Melsy! Here's to the good side of life!"

Mello clenched his eyes shut and resumed ignorance.

Matt sweat-dropped. "That's very nice of you."

An hour had gone by and Mello noted Matt seemed more than a bit tipsy by the way he swayed from side to side in his seat. To his annoyance, he also noticed his friend was drawing unnecessary attention from the people around them. How embarrassing.

"Hit me!"

"Piss off."

"Ah, I would. But the question is - _why_, eh?"

"Because you've had enough and your tolerance is shit-ass."

"…I _said_ HIT ME!"

"IF YOU DON'T SH-"

"HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!"

Mello stared at Matt with wide eyes, it being a rare moment with him stunned into silence. Seven seconds passed before he exploded in laughter, being egged on by Matt joining in for no apparent reason. He clutched his stomach and leaned forward, still laughing madly.

And then his laughter stopped as soon as he felt someone's hot breath against his ear.

"Hey babe, you're pretty hot. What do you say to a ride with a hunk like me?"

Mello froze and clenched his teeth. He turned his head around slowly to meet eyes that widened in surprise as they took in his masculine facial structure, and a nose that…obscured half his vision. Mello decided that the douche was officially dubbed Big Nose.

Baring his teeth, he snarled, "I say fuck off, Big Nose."

Big nose reared his head back as if he'd been slapped before his expression twisted into an unpleasant sneer. "I'll make you regret those words!" He pulled his fist back and was about to deliver the blow until a sudden strong plume of smoke wafted up his nostrils. The distraction was enough for Mello to knee Big Nose's crotch and punch him in the jaw.

Matt gave a loud war cry, startling Mello and making him step back, as he teetered backwards unsteadily before dashing forward to head butt Big Nose in the stomach.

Mello's eyes widened as the scene triggered a highly uncomfortable sensation in his stomach. He groaned out some syllables to Matt before he sped towards the bathroom. However…it was too late when he realised that, as screams echoed in the bathroom, he entered the wrong one. He hastily made a U-turn in the crowd of frightened girls, and was inside the male restroom within three seconds.

_Fwap._ Matt smacked Big Nose upside the head before promptly glassing him. Inside, he was dancing with glee. _God, this is so damn fun. Gotta bring Mello out with me a few more times._

He felt rather pleased with himself as Big Nose strained to keep himself standing. That is, until he found said person looming over him with his face – and nose – contorted with fury.

"You little_ fucker_. I think it's time you learnt your lesson." Big Nose reached inside his leather jacket as Matt's eyes widened when his current situation finally registered.

"WAIT!" He had to bide some time to get Mello and himself out of the place. Any distraction would be sufficient.

Big Nose paused and squinted his eyes at Matt.

Matt gulped. "Ah…You see..." _Think, bloody hell!_

"What is it? Spit it out, or you're dead." Big Nose leered down at him, his nose seeming bigger and more intimidating and...especially shiny due to the light overhead.

"LOOK! IT'S KIRA!"

It was then, with everyone's heads whipped towards the random direction his finger jabbed at, did Matt make a furious break for it, shooting like a bullet towards the bathroom as he tried his best to escape the outraged yells and thunderous pounding footsteps behind him.

"Bastard tricked us!"

"_Get him!_"

Mello grunted with annoyance at the sudden increase of noise in the pub as he washed his hands with the chocolate-scented soap he bought. God knows what the hell was happening. But there was a good chance it was probably Matt.

When he ducked out of the bathroom, he only had enough time to see a flash of red before he found himself being dragged by his collar, dashing alongside Matt at a break-neck speed.

Ah, it seemed as if they were being chased by a mob of people.

"WHAT DID Y-"

"SHUT UP-" _wheeze_ "-AND KEEP RUNNING!"


	6. Misa Knows Best

**A/N: **Not as much humour in this one. Also,from now onwards, the fic summary will be replaced with the story/ chapter summary.

**Story six summary:** When L is away, Misa makes it her mission to eat his cake because 'Misa-Misa knows best and too much cake will make Ryuzaki's teeth fall out.'

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note. All credit rightfully belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

* * *

**Don't Try This At Home, Kids**

**Story Six:** Misa Knows Best

* * *

It had only been half an hour since L and the Task Force left the hotel, telling her that they were going outside to further investigate the Kira case, but Misa found herself hanging upside down the couch, hopelessly bored.

She glowered as L's wide-eyed mocking face appeared in her mind, smugly telling her that she was to stay in the building due to her being under the suspicion that she was the second Kira. Well, Misa thought, if that was the case, then why wasn't _Light _staying behind with her?

Stupid Ryuzaki and his stupid spiteful ways.

Those words were what motivated her to get back at the infuriating detective.

As Misa slowly but surely formulated the perfect revenge, L's warning that the hundreds of surveillance cameras would capture all her movements was quickly forgotten. Well, at least her plan seemed to work out better that way.

"Hehe…Ryuzaki, you're in for a mean surprise," Misa cackled and smirked at her own ingenuity. Though first, she would have to deal with his trusty companion, Watari.

Misa crept along the hallway until she arrived at Watari's room, shushing herself with a giggle when she heard the floorboard creak. She stuck her face against the crack of the door and peered inside. She was satisfied with the elderly gentleman's slumbering state, so satisfied that she allowed herself an unladylike guffaw. Closing the door gently, she padded down to the kitchen and scanned the contents in the cabinets and the large fridge.

Misa frowned thoughtfully. She felt as if she was doing him a favour. Too many sweets and sugar would leave him with rotten teeth, and she was reducing the likelihood of such a thing happening by stealing – no, not stealing, Misa told herself, but _helping_ him consume his sweets. She shrugged, taking out a curiously large white box from the fridge. Her plan wasn't exactly the hundred percent downfall of L, as she earlier thought it would be, but the childish detective would be extremely irked nonetheless.

She flipped open the box cover and gaped at the sight of a big cake that consisted of a generous amount of custard between the top and bottom layers, the top layer smothered with vanilla icing, and swirls of chocolate cream with strawberries carefully placed atop. Never had she seen such a disgustingly sweet cake. However…she knew that torturing her taste buds would prove to be fruitful once L learnt of his darling cake's demise.

So, being a woman with a purpose, Misa poised a fork over the cake and began the long and sweet journey to fulfilling her revenge.

Nearing an hour later, and after many glasses of water, Misa could hardly breathe properly due to the overwhelmingly uncomfortable sensation in her bloated stomach. Damn it, this was revenge – not a suicide mission! Despite this, she felt proud and accomplished and…in desperate need of the bathroom, so, being a woman with a purpose, she zoomed away with a _whoosh._

* * *

L was glad to have finally arrived at the hotel, because that meant he would be able to devour the delectable cake he had Watari buy the other day. The magnificent thing would lift him from the grumpy mood that befell him earlier that day when little to no evidence confirming that Light was indeed Kira was dug up. Also, he thought, he would be able to observe any suspicious behaviour done by Misa during his absence, provided that Misa forgot that the building was littered with cameras. This, he concluded, had a hundred percent chance of occurring.

Already, he felt lighter and an unnoticeable skip slipped into his steps.

L hummed softly as he waited for Watari to bring him the box of cake he had been anticipating all day.

_Tick_

_Tick_

_Tick_

He stilled as he noticed the kitchen was silent (save for the faint ticking of the clock) and didn't produce any of the usual noise to do with cake.

"Watari?" L called out after the elongated pause.

…

"Ryuzaki…it seems as if your cake has been eaten. Have you, by any chance, already eaten it and forgotten? "

"Zero percent!" L cried out as he shot up in alarm and rushed into the kitchen, where laid a sight that rendered him speechless.

Crumbs littered the bench top, the big white cake box was ripped in two, and a fork streaked with cream and crumbs seemed to have been carelessly dropped on the floor. It was a crime scene, one that deserved proper investigation.

He immediately had a suspect in mind – Misa Amane. She was one of the two people that stayed behind in the building, while the others left to further investigate the Kira case. The other was Watari, and he trusted him with everything. Including cake and his top secret stash of sake. To conclude, Misa Amane seemed to be the only plausible suspect, so was she the offender?

L's eyes sharpened. There was only one way to be sure.

He stalked out of the kitchen and towards the monitors and hit the rewind button in the settings, before seating himself into his usual crouch on the armchair. He would need his maximum deductive abilities to crack this case.

L gave the monitor a strange look as it showed Misa developing her matrix skills and her performing the typical wait-around-the-corner-then-jump-out-and-point-your-imaginary-gun move…several times. Incredulity was not far from what he was feeling at the moment.

He frowned and bit his finger. What was she hoping to achieve by spying on Watari inside his room? Her behaviour was horribly suspicious. Misa was then shown ambling into the kitchen and, seemingly, searching for food. His eyes widened in horror as Misa took out the box of cake and took her time leering at it. Good god, it was hard to watch. She then commenced devouring _his_ cake with gusto.

Oh no she _didn't_.

He shoved something that glinted silver into his pocket, and smirked to himself. Now that he had the proof that answered his question, it was time to deliver a bit of swift justice.

* * *

Misa groaned in anguish as she held her stomach, lying eagle-spread on her bed. Never was she going to embark on a mission involving cake ever again.

"A bit too full from finishing off _my_ cake?"

Misa gasped and shot off her bed, only to groan again and hold her stomach. Her face twisted into a scowl. "So what if I am? Why did you buy such a stupid big cake anyway? You're going to kill yourself one day."

L stared at her with unconcealed curiosity. "I wonder why you did it…"

Misa hesitated. "What was that?"

L leaned forward on the balls of his feet, eyeing her intensely. "I wonder what made you steal from me…could it be because you wanted to leave me a token of your revenge for not bringing you along today? Or was it because of something else?"

"It's _because_ Misa-Misa knows best and too much cake will make Ryuzaki's teeth fall out," Misa admonished, rolling her eyes at L. "You should be grateful, you know. Misa-Misa could've potentially saved your life!"

"…I see." His voice was soft; dangerous.

A shadow casted over L's eyes, and before Misa could flee the room, she found a handcuff slapped around her wrist.

"I appreciate your honesty, Amane-san, so I'll return the favour. Tomorrow will be a special day. Would you like to know why? It's because I'll be buying another cake, but with your funds," a childish smile spread across L's face, "and it'll be twice the size and price of the one you mindlessly ate."

"But that's–!"

"Ah, and you'll be accompanying me of course." L sent her an innocent look as he lifted up his wrist that the other handcuff circled, making the chain jangle as if to emphasise his point. He smirked and wriggled his wrist. "I do expect full compensation and then some, after all."

Misa spluttered. "W-What? Hey! That's not fair!"


End file.
